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Life and aging have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I’m not sure exactly what has sparked this, but I suspect that the fact that I am turning 37 soon may have something to do with it. I have found myself feeling like I wish I could have another baby.
In my sane, rational mind, I know that this is not something that I actually want. It has more to do with the children I have than fictional babies that I don’t. They are all growing up, and a chapter of my life is beginning to close.
Since last year when Kate started Kindergarten, I have loved having all my children in school. Until recently, I haven’t missed them at all. I enjoyed the quiet house, and the ability to get things done in peace. All of a sudden, it has crept up on me that I miss them. A lot.
I think what I dislike the most is the fast, frantic pace at which our days go. Mornings can get really crazy at our house. I am tired. They are tired. They are grumpy. I am trying to get a child with Autism to take his medication and feeling the frustration that we go through this same song and dance every day.
“Bud, we both know this only ends one way. You take the medication, and then we all go to school. So why are you making me want to scream like a mad woman at you for being so ridiculous?”
Literally. Every Morning.
The last thing I want is to have to yell at my kids in the morning before school. That is not how I want to start my day, and not how I want to start theirs either. Can you imagine if I tried to add a baby to the mix? Please. You would have to cart me off to a mental hospital. I’m not even kidding.
So what is it that has me feeling this way? I think 40 is creeping up on me and I am realizing that my life is finally to a point that I can actually start doing some of the things I have put off for so long. And that is really scary, because I have only done for others for such a long time.
I know I can raise a baby. I have managed through four, so I have got that down! The things that I have dreamed of doing for so long, are things that I don’t know if I can do. They are scary things. As long as I keep them in a little box labeled dreams, they are safe. But if I open the box, what happens next?
I don’t know, and that is the thing! It is so much easier to stick to what you know, but how will you ever know what you can accomplish if you don’t open that box?
So if you are holding on to the things you know, like me, and afraid to move toward the dreams that God has put on your heart. Stop.
Step out in faith, and say Okay, God. Here I am.
And see what he does.
I find that when I read, it gives me so much inspiration. If you are someone who struggles with fear like me, here are some great books to read. These are all books that I have read, and I very highly recommend them!